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Subject: Clever Women ...
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
What ever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers :Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show !!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
http://forum.onzin.com/img/em/31.gif that's a good one.
Spec_Operator
20-03-07, 04:47 PM
muahaha! LOL! Thats bad! Bad and funny!
I've heard the top, but I've never heard the 'ten times milder' one. I would have never thought of that.
Let's see what the queen has to say about this...?
unfortunatly i cant take the credit for it:( , a mate e-mailed it me, but thought it was that good i should post it for others to enjoy:D
EDIT: okay 1 more
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
LOL that was a good one the milder part was a nice twist :D
kk ac if someone got a joke and place them here but not all woman joke's please,thy got feelings too.TY.
muahaha! LOL! Thats bad! Bad and funny!
LOL true! Nice joke mate! Never heard it before!
kk ac if someone got a joke and place them here but not all woman joke's please,thy got feelings too.TY.
Are you being serious? lol
Its only asakura & trinity and they dont care ;) i can deal with them hehe :p
They say its a mans world.... certainly is at SOG lmao!
Asakura
20-03-07, 06:26 PM
Are you being serious? lol
Its only asakura & trinity and they dont care ;) i can deal with them hehe :p
I do care, and you cannot deal with me. :D
ooooooooooo asakura what has gotten in to you? lol
not worship or love me anymore? :p :p lol
Ok then youve upset me now :( hehe i take it back :) better?
Asakura
20-03-07, 06:39 PM
These days you've been a very different Matt, that's why you didn't receive any worships. ;) And love...well I guess I don't have to tell you about that. =P
cmon matt, u know what the deal is, its a love - hate relationship, we all love asa and trin, but they hate us!!!!:D :D :p
but on a serious note, and in an attempt of smoothing things over and building bridges (wow i'm diplomatic!!!)
im sure you know we only joking when we take the mick, i guess sometimes i take it a bit far and for that i do apologize (see how serious i am, i said apologize instead of just sorry, see i use big words, my mother would be proud!!!!)
lol asakura ive always been the same but you make me laugh so I like being naughty matt to see your next response hehe :( sad really but they make me roar especially when ace gets involved :p
Yes ill stop now, but no we didnt mean it at all, after all Bosco used to do the same but then he stopped lol we are only having fun. After all, Trinity & yourself are the only women at the forums, so its a rarity.
And love...well I guess I don't have to tell you about that. =P
Love me please :p then more worships! :D
The Gator joke was great :D
Btw: 3 guys stand at the bar on a hotel roof. One of them takes a drink and jumps off the roof, then suddenly flies immediatly to the top.
The others order the same drink. One of them jumps, but only the impact is audible. The other one hesitates...
The first slightly smiling again orders a drink, jumps off the roof and immediatly stands on top again. Now the other one gave himself enough Dutch courage: He orders a drink and jumps off. Once again only the sound of an impact is audible...
The barkeeper looks at the first with a shake of the head: "Superman, you really are an asshole when you're drunk!" :rolleyes:
I never knew Superman was an alcoholic lol
An airplane with 100 passengers was in mid flight, 99 where from
Microsoft and one from Macintosh, in the middle of the flight the
pilot spoke trough the speakers and said "This is an emergency
the floor is going to break off please hold on to the sealing now!"
and then as soon as all 100 grabbed on to the sealing, the floor
broke off.
Now the pilot spoke again and said "The plane is too heavy....
one person has too drop, or we will crash." and then the one
Macintosh guy spoke out after the silence and said "since i am
the only one i will jump" after seeing his heroism they(99) all
clapped.
NOTE: its normally countries but i don't believe in superior or
inferior nations so i changed it to companies :)
Ghost MacRoth
20-03-07, 07:51 PM
Not so much a joke, but it makes me giggle.
MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMBAT
(Airborne or otherwise)
1. The more rounds you have, the more likely your guns will jam.
2. Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire (it is for this reason aircraft carriers have been called 'bomb magnets').
3. Incoming fire has the right of way.
4. Anything you do can get you killed - including doing nothing.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
7. Radios only fail when you need fire support desperately.
8. All 5 second grenade fuses will burn down in 3.
9. Tracers work BOTH ways.
10. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
11. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
12. If the enemy is in range, then so are you.
13. Body count math is; three guerrillas + one probable + two pigs = thirty-seven enemy killed in action.
14. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
15. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out.
16. Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
17. Being totally free to fly means that you are totally free to fall.
18. Always remember that the only thing more accurate then incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
19. The more successful the mission, the less likely you'll make it back to base.
20. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
lmao ^^^^ Majid & Ghost :D:D:D:D
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Thats one of my favourites there ^ lol
Ghost MacRoth
20-03-07, 08:11 PM
Body count math is; three guerrillas + one probable + two pigs = thirty-seven enemy killed in action.
That's gotta be my favorite from Murphy's. Check this one out too, it rocks!
50 things women can’t do
>1. know anything about a car except its colour
>2. understand the off-side rule
>3. go 24 hours without sending a text message
>4. lift
>5. throw
>6. run
>7. park
>8. fart
>9. read a map
>10. rob a bank
>11. resist Ikea
>12. sit still
>13. tell a joke
>14. play pool
>15. pay for dinner
>16. eat a kebab whilst walking
>17. pee out a train window
>18. argue without shouting
>19. get told off without crying
>20. understand fruit machines
>21. walk past a shoe shop
>22. make a decent bacon sandwich
>23. not comment on strangers clothes
>24. use small amounts of toilet paper
>25. let you sleep with a hangover
>26. drink a pint gracefully
>27. get a round in
>28. throw a punch
>29. do magic
>30. like your friends
>31. enjoy porn
>32. eat a really hot curry
>33. get to the point
>34. buy plain envelopes
>35. take less than 20 mins in the toilet
>36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I’m cold"
>37. go shopping without phoning 20 mates
>38. avoid credit card debt
>39. dive into a pool
>40. assemble furniture
>41. roll a boogy between finger and thumb
>42. program a video recorder
>43. not try and change you
>44. watch a war film
>45. understand why flirting results in violence
>46. spend a day watching sky sports
>47. go to the toilet by themselves in nightclubs
>48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket
>49. choose a video quickly
>50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above!!
A teenaged boy goes into a pharmacy and says shyly that he's going to have dinner with a beautiful girl and therefore needs something special.
The apothecary understands the boy: "Oh, you need a condom, huh?"
-"Yes, but her mother also is very beautiful and..."
-"Okay, alright, I'll give you two."
Later that evening the boy sits at the table of the family hiding his face behind his hand, looking at the ground. After the dinner the girl says: "If I had known that you're so impolite, I wouldn't have invited you!"
-"If I had known that your father was apothecary, I wouldn't have come." :rolleyes:
ROFLMAO!!! Ghost that's hilarious! :D :D
@above lol! :D :D
@ghost:that is funny
@tek:lmao,that is hilarious http://forum.onzin.com/img/em/31.gifhttp://forum.onzin.com/img/em/23.gif
lmao that is funny especially number 50.... very true!
Tek that is also a good one ive never heard before lol :D
Ghost MacRoth
20-03-07, 08:54 PM
Cheers guys, I just wish I wrote all my own material!!
But I've got tons more.....
Beer
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver."-Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.-Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.-Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.-Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.-Anonymous
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. - Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.-Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.-Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.-Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.-Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.- Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.-Kaiser Wilhelm
All right, Brain, I don't like you and you don't like me-so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-Homer Simpson
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny Youngman
lol!
i thought i'd throw in some more
simple and effective (just like me!!)
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and: "A beer please, and one for the road."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis.
Ghost MacRoth
20-03-07, 09:16 PM
Ace, that was ace! I'll be adding them to the collection!
WelshElite
20-03-07, 09:22 PM
Rofl that's good
Ghost MacRoth
20-03-07, 09:23 PM
Celebrity Quotes
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex--- no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
LOL very funny :D the last one is so true :p
hahahaha, they were good, especially the robin williams jokes:D
Some nice shorties, Ace :) I liked the "Tiger" Jones one.
Two women meet on the street.
First: "Yesterday I wanted to cook potatoes, but when I went down to the basement, I saw grandpa hanging over the stairs."
Second: "That's terrible. What then?"
First: "We decided to eat noodles."
lol this thread is just pure comedy :D
nice one
ps:changed name to comedy tread :D
Ghost MacRoth
20-03-07, 10:08 PM
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
Make a wish!!!
No, really, go on and make one!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!
Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5- 10 people I will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
CHAIN LETTER - Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
CHAIN LETTER - Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
CHAIN LETTER - Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends, A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating cat-food.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...* no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shag-less or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll have to look at me naked!
-------
-Dennis Leary
this is a phone conversation
"Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool???? Is this 486-5731?"
Ghost MacRoth
20-03-07, 10:21 PM
LMAO!!! Ace, keep 'em coming!!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Ghost MacRoth
20-03-07, 10:32 PM
HOLLYWOOD EXPLAINED
> >Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light
> >bulb?
> >A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in
> >a hot tub.
>>Q: How Many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light
> >bulb?
> >A: One, One Two, Check One Two,
> >Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
> >Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light
> >bulb?
> >A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.
> >Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say, "I could've done
> >that."
> >Q: How many D.P.s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: One. No, two. No.... How many do we have on the truck?
> >Q: How long does it take a D.O.P. to smoke a cigarette?
> >A: Only about two minits, but it might take a few hours to light it.
> >Q: How many D.P.s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Well, I kind of like it dark...
> >Q: How many Production Managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Do you really need another light bulb?
> >Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle
> >holder...
> >Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
> >A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.
> >Q: How many P.A.s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been
> >asked.
> >Q: How many P.A.s does it take to screw in a li...
> >A: Done!
> >Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a
> >light bulb?
> >A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the
> >faucet.
> >Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: The bulb's IN and it's staying IN!
> >Q: How many 1st A.D.s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see
> >I'm busy!
> >Q: How many U.P.M.s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be
> >screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"
> >Q: How many casting directors does it take to screw in a light
> >bulb?
> >A: Well, if I really had to choose, there's this bulb, he's a
> >little oversized for the socket but he burns really bright, or there's
> >this little bulb, he is really energy efficient if you want to save
> >time and money, or there's a fabulous bulb I just saw in a showcase, he has
> >no name value whatsoever, but the design was to die for!
> >Q: How many extras does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Is the light bulb S.A.G.? How did it get it's card? Did it
> >know someone?
> >Q: How many casting directors does it take to screw in a light
> >bulb?
> >A: It doesn't matter--nobody wants to give them credit anyway.
> >Q: How many publicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: That is a total rumor. The light bulb has some very good
> >friends, but at this time, is not interested in screwing.
> >Q: How many directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: One. The director holds the light bulb and the rest of theworld
revolves around him.
> >Q: How many prop masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Light bulb? Light bulb? The script doesn't mention any light
> >bulbs!
> >Q: How many union electricians does it take to screw in a light
> >bulb?
> >A: Three. You got a problem with that?
lmao ghost
this ones soooooo bad but i thought i had to include it
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
another bad but funny one!
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom !
EDIT:I will certainly never ever swim in the ocean again!!!
An average Blue Whale produces 400 litres of sperm when it gets an orgasm,
BUT only about 40 litres of that goes into the partner,
So 360 litres runs out to the ocean every time
a Blue Whale gets an orgasm!!!!!...................
And some people wonder
WHY THE SEA TASTES SALTY!!!!!!
k i didn't wanted to know that.i'm not gonna swim in the sea.
fruferSK
21-03-07, 03:58 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
outch my mouth
LOL Hilariouse i love this thread keep them coming !!!
@ the whale joke .... lol i like beaches so I'm biased i cant stop it :D
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Ghost MacRoth
21-03-07, 05:59 PM
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one
hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and
refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
oooohhhhhhhh^^^^^^^ ghost ur a brave (but funny) man i'm sure asa or trin (the chan sisters!!!!!! lol) will have something to say about that!!!!lmfao:D :D :D
lol besides taking the *** outta women ghost, i think that is very true and a clever joke which im sure my partner would have something to argue over ;)
Ghost MacRoth
21-03-07, 07:49 PM
Hey, if you liked that.......
A blonde woman is looking to earn some extra cash, so she decides to offer her services as a handy-woman. She goes to her neighbour and asks him if he has any odd jobs for her to do.
'You could paint the porch if you like' he said. 'How much will you charge?' '$50 bucks will be fine' said the blonde. The man shows her to the garage where she can find the brushes, the paint and everything else she might need. He then went inside to make
himself a coffee, and told his wife what he had done. His wife asked him '$50 bucks is a bit low - does she realise the porch goes all the way around the house?' 'She should', said the man, 'She was standing on it!'.
A short while later, the blonde rings the doorbell. 'It's all done' she said. 'That was very quick' said the man. 'Yes', said the blonde 'and I had some paint left over so I gave it two
coats'. 'Well, you must be very efficient. Here's your money'. And he paid her the $50.
'And by the way', said the blonde, 'it's a Ferrari, not a Porch'
Women think they already know everything, but wait...
training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Two cops and their police dog are walking down a road. Suddenly one of the cops stop, rises the dog's tail and just looks. The other cop asks "what are you doing there?" The cop said: "I wanted to be sure...people always say 'look there's the dog with the 2 assholes.' "
PaB
lol pab,that's a funny one.
@ghost how come when i make a couple of jokes about women, wes has a go at me!!!!!!
i suppose its fair enough cuz yours were god damn funny!!!!:D :D :D
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling ...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
EDIT:Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowwoman, than it does to make a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
:D
ROFL these jokes are crazy and a bit one sided ...
SEAL_scout
22-03-07, 02:01 PM
thats funny :) i never herd that before
Ghost MacRoth
22-03-07, 02:49 PM
Ok, here's a few funnies aimed at the world in general, rather than just the ladies!
Why Oh, Why?
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
>
>2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
>3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
>
>4. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
>
>5. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
>
>6. Why is a boxing ring square?
>
>7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
>
>8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
>
>9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
>
>10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start?
>
>11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
> you turn down the volume on the radio?
>
>12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing
> liquid made with real lemons?
>
>13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
>14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
>
>15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>
>16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
>
>17. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
>18. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
>
>19. If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times
> does he become disoriented?
>
>20. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
>
>21. What do people in China call their good plates?
>
>22. What do you call a male ladybug?
>
>23. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
>
>24. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
>25. Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only 1 bra?
>
>26. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
>
>27. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
>and drive?
>
>28. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
>
>29. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
>
>30. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of
>parachutes?
>
>31. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
>
>32. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
>
>33. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
>
>34. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
> have locks on the door?
>
>35. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
> Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
>
>36. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
> what does a freedom fighter fight?
>
>37. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
>
>38. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
>
>39. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights
>on, what happens?
>
>40. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
>
>41. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
> shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
>
>42. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>43. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
>44. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
>
>45. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
i thought it was time for some jokes for the ladies here........
What do a beer bottles and men have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
What do you call a man with only half a brain?
Gifted.
Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
Because they're too stupid to ask for directions.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night.
A widow.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Hey Ghost, nice ideas. Here are some more.
If swimming makes slim what are whales doing wrong?
Isn't self-help group a senseless word?
PaB
^lol nice one Pab and the above great reading :D
WelshElite
22-03-07, 09:41 PM
Lol i like that first one ace :p
-SHORTEND-
Those are funny but there is answers :)
yeah i noticed too there are anwers :D
Ghost MacRoth
22-03-07, 11:08 PM
Yeah, I know some are easy, but others aren't!
here's another.....
Drunk
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you arestill SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
LOL thats funny and very true :D
ya i'm having flashbacks from what i can remember lol :)
its like you captured my life and copy and pasted it in the forums!!!!!! lmfao:D :D :D
time for another joke methinks
The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'
LOL nice joke, absolutely funny....have to keep that one in mind.
PaB
Ghost MacRoth
23-03-07, 10:05 PM
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website
and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain onTV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.....
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh f forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings C Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is s smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All A Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
MURPHY'S LAWS
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Mother nature is a bitch.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Every solution breeds new problems.
The Murphy Philosophy
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws
Everything goes wrong all at once.
Murphy's Constant
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Ghost MacRoth
27-03-07, 12:03 PM
As far as I can tell, this is true!
Ask a history teacher to explain this:
Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
John F Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946
Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860
John F Kennedy was elected president in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights
Both wives lost a child while living in the white house
Both presidents were shot on a Friday
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1809
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy , was born in 1909
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1836
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1936
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at a theatre named ‘Kennedy’
Kennedy was shot in a car called a ‘Lincoln’
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials
Here’s the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!:d :d :d :d
have to admit, at first i was like "eh??" to the bottom line, lol :(
lol nice one and if thats true; thats funny & a interesting coincidence. :)
Matt
another one a mate emailed me
enjoy:D :D
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like....Bananas...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like.....Department Stores..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like......Popcorn..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ....Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like.......Parking Spots...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
lol,only i don't like the 13th one.
yeah i know how you think it means, but i think the joke means just something wrong with them, ie personality......
i really dont think it meant literally. lol:D
if it did i wouldnt have put it on, even my sense of humour doesnt stretch that far!!!!!!
well.............:rolleyes:
LOL sry.
I know but my uncle is handicapt en he also hav sugar disease so it always hurts m when is se a handicaps joke.
LOL sry.
I know but my uncle is handicapt en he also hav sugar disease so it always hurts m when is se a handicaps joke.
yeah when i first read that it was in dutch wasnt it??:confused:
sorry about your uncle, i didnt mean any offence
i know and yes it was in dutch i was confused guess iwas talking to a dutch friend i know it's not your fault,i don't hold it against you.but watch out with jokes like that guess some people can get mad about it.
Ghost MacRoth
30-03-07, 10:31 PM
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
13:00 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg.
15:00 Nap
16:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:50 Carried to bed.....(freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen)
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
07:00 Breakfast, rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Several whisky's on-route to airport
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
09:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks golf club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whisky's)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1,800 lbs on light tackle)
17:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated, marijuana and porn legalised.
19:30 Dinner, lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953) big juicy steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch international match of the day. Scotland beating England 13-0.
21:30 Line of coke, sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snack and cleansing ale.
23:30 A nightcap blow job.
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes pitch 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room..
LOL...perfect day to live. I had to think of Tim Allen in "Home Improvement" all the time :D
Nice one.
PaB
that perfect day for him is funny as f**k!!!! ROFLMFAO!!!!!!:D :D
nice one ghost:)
Ghost MacRoth
05-04-07, 09:06 PM
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter “T” . . .
Example of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, and Thunday.
WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . .A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12% said it was to go the toilet, 83% said it was to go home.
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST . . .as a man sees it...You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
EDIT: Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the
clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when
he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
both funny, second one was hilarious though:D :D :D
All of my jokes are 18+....:o
lmao ^^^ like them that way ;)
This is one a work collegue told me, i dont think ive told it properly but hey some of you might understand it lol
There were two homosexuals, one named florence and one cyril. It was florences birthday so cyril went round the town looking for a present. Cyril found it hard as Florence virtually had everything, then he walked past a tatoo shop. Florence said "yes that might be a good idea, he would so love that" and walked inside. Florence said to the guy at the counter "its my partners birthday and Im not sure what to get him, what is most popular nowadays?". The man at the counter said "well usually people have their favourite boxer tatooed on them". Florence thought that was a great idea and said "yes well i think ill have Max Baer & Terry Allen on each cheek then". The guy at the counter said "um ok its a new one on me but sure". So after a long time Florence came out with the two boxers tatooed on each arse cheek and made his way home.
When he got back he said to Cyril & his friend, "ive got you a special birthday present so close your eyes both of you". Florence dropped his trousers and put his arse right before Cyrils eyes and said " ok darling you can look now". Cyril opened his eyes and his other friend round shouted "oooo darling i will never get in the ring with those two"
LMAO i only get the joke from hearing it demonstrated
-EDIT- Put the nasty ones in the dungeon ;)
A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'B****' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
A man's been drinking at a pub all night.
When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Ghost MacRoth
06-04-07, 05:47 PM
A rich man and a poor man are in a bar at chistmas.
Poor man: 'what did you get your wife for christmas',
Rich man: 'I got her a Diamond ring, and a Mercedes. That way, if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive to the jewellers in her new mercedes and change it. What did you get your wife for christmas?'
Poor man: 'I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.'
Rich man: 'Why?'
Poor man: 'Cause if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself!'
lol ghost,that one is good.
@ace: yours is good too but to put the top one is the dungeon.
Ghost MacRoth
10-04-07, 06:51 PM
I love the logic of this.:D
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American
tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the
quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to
catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch
more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was
sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest
of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children,
and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go
into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks,
play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full
life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard
and I can help you! You should start by fishing
longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish
you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a
bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will
bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so
on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead
of selling your fish to a middle man, you can
negotiate directly with the processing plants and
maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave
this little village and move to Mexico City, Los
Angeles, or even New York City! From there you
can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the American, laughing. "When your business
gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny
village near the coast, sleep late, play with your
children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend
your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.
''?''
EDIT: Buffalo
Words to live by.
(The following is an actual excerpt from a Forbes Magazine {U.S.})
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.
lol i like the fisherman one :) nice
TriggerFox
22-04-07, 12:15 PM
The mexican fisherman one is great. :)
SEAL_scout
23-04-07, 01:00 AM
lol nice one :rockon6rk:
Russian_Bear
23-04-07, 12:30 PM
I for a long time waited for this moment! :D
:lol2: LOL :lol2:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS:
What's for dinner?
SAFER:
Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:
Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS:
Are you wearing that?
SAFER:
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST:
WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS:
What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:
Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:
Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS:
Should you be eating that?
SAFER:
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS:
What did you DO all day?
SAFER:
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST:
I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some more wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favourite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
:lol2: were do you come up with these lmao :yelrotflmao: :biglaugh:
Ghost MacRoth
23-04-07, 10:27 PM
Something to think about!!!!!
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are
two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. ... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
SEAL_scout
24-04-07, 02:03 AM
:lol2: good one.
:whs: :lol2: :o So remember Ghost that's not a bad thing if I call you that :D
Ghost MacRoth
24-04-07, 08:54 PM
From you it's a positive compliment my friend!! :p
SEAL_scout
25-04-07, 01:56 AM
Ok guys i got this joke last night from my friend i think its a little funny.
What did Bruce Lee order when he went to Burger King?...
A WAAABBBAAAHHH! :)
lol Is that suppose to be funny!!???? :D
@Ghost: Ok then I won't mind calling you that if you think it's a compliment :)
SEAL_scout
28-04-07, 05:30 PM
lol...it was but i don't think you understood it. :p
Chuck Norris ordered a BigMac in Burger King once...and he did get it.
PaB
SEAL_scout
28-04-07, 09:19 PM
:whs: ? I don't understand PaB. Is that a joke?
TriggerFox
28-04-07, 09:32 PM
Chuck allways gets whatever he wants :blunt:
yea maybe but not in real life :)
SEAL_scout
28-04-07, 09:41 PM
LOL...potheads :p
Ghost MacRoth
13-05-07, 05:29 PM
The Amish Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls
opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman
stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his Son,
"Go get your mother."
lol Ghost :D I was laughing while reading it.......... I knew what was going to come b4 reading the rest............ :yelrotflmao:
Ghost MacRoth
16-05-07, 10:48 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a
computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in
women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending
on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them. :D
lmao ^^^^ I like that one Ghost hehe :D Very good... i wonder when that will happen?
a nice clean joke for you all
a tale of 2 brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE"said the groom broom
"we havent even SWEPT TOGETHER!!!
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL i love this thread, ace you are very funny. No offense to anyone else who thinks they are funny but this is hilarious.:lol:
Well i heard beter http://shout1.co.uk/images/logos/shout.smilie.02.gif
JK, he can be funny from time to time.
some of Ace's and Ghost's posts are funny, the two comedians of SOG :cheers:
Ghost MacRoth
19-05-07, 07:33 PM
A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour.
As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you look after me." The girl, having no better prospects, agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night.
For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and.....he's screwing me." The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied "He sure is, this is the Manly Ferry"
lol there are some real manly ferrys ;) *Wish i knew one*
AAHAHAH a aaaaaaaaad: DDDDDDDDDD LOL lmao :lol2::pcsmash:
SEAL_scout
02-06-07, 01:55 PM
lmao funny one...i never heard that one before.
Ghost MacRoth
02-06-07, 09:23 PM
n Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and
looks at his watch several times in the space of a few
minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is
your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch.
I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to
me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody
things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a
drink?
omg ghosty, parts of that jokes as old as you!!!!!!
yes we are going back to the caveman era!!!!!!
good one ghost, may we see the second part to that :p
I heard that one long time ago yeah but if not you i would forget it :) i like that joke :)
lol Nice one :D was that woman a blonde? Wouldn't surprise me ;)
Ghost MacRoth
04-06-07, 12:27 AM
yes we are going back to the caveman era!!!!!!
Wot, my teenage years? ;)
A cowboy is riding his horce in the desert
and his inner voice says "STOP" and he stopped then the voice said "START DIGGING HERE" and he started then he found a tressure.BUt then the indians attaced him and the inner voice said "DON"T WORRIE JUST RUN" and he did.After a while of chaseing the voice said again "DON"T WORRIE YOU ARE NOT (NO SWEARING) UP YET TURN BACK AND SHOOT ONE OF THEM" and he did then he continued running and the voice said again "DON'T WORRIE YOU ARE NOT (NO SWEARING) UP YET KILL THEIR CHIEF" an he did and the voice said "NOW YOU ARE (NO SWEARING) UP"
never heard that one before :) never listen to that voice in your head :p
some quality jimmy carr jokes
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty.
But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I'd buy a funfair for my back garden.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.
So I said, "All right, fatty."
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
I live near a remedial school.
There's a sign on the road outside that says, "SLOW CHILDREN".
That can't be good for their self-esteem.
I went up to the airport information desk.
I said, "How many airports are there in the world?"
I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man.
But apparently they're not a "proper" present.
--*NOTE: Removed---
Thats it, someone lock Ace up for good!
wow .............. :) ............... :D ............... :p............. :whs: *She .... seriously we need one that says "What SHE Said" I like using the emoticons.
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
is there an age success for not having any money ;)
I knew it before :)
you missed "success having sex" :)
LMAO .......... Nice one Ace ................ :D
Ghost MacRoth
19-06-07, 01:28 PM
Nice Ace. But my favorite Jimmy Carr joke is.......
I was telling some fat jokes the other night, and after the show this fat girl came up to me and said 'you're fatist!!' to which I replied, no, YOU are fattest!
:p
yeah, thats a good one, but wes deleted the best one, i'll have to post it in the 18+ thread;)
Ghost MacRoth
23-06-07, 04:38 PM
This is soooo funny.........
> A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
> 6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
> John Cleese
LMAO Ghost :p:D ............................
here you go guys, some pick up lines for ya all, guaranteed winners:lol::rolleyes:
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you
Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good
Man - Do you like to dance?
Woman - Yes !
Man - Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?
WARNING, only try these lines when she doesnt have a drink in her hand!!!!!
ok ok now a classic one :
Why did the chicken cross the road? c'mon tell me
Why did the chicken cross the road?
hey i am asking sometihng tell me - why did the chicken cross the road?
SEAL_scout
09-07-07, 07:33 PM
Here's some pick up lines.......
1- *Guy walks up to girl* Excuse me, do i know you from somewhere>?
Girl says, No.
Guy says, Yeah i remember! you was in my dreams baby girl in my dreams.;)
2- (make sure the girls is drunk) *Guy walks up to girl* Damn girl, You're one tall glass of water and i am thirsty.
3- Guy says Did it hurt?
Girl says, Did what hurt?!
Guy says, When you fell from heavy.:p
4- (this one i recommend ONLY to a girl that you KNOW)
*guy walks to girl*Guy says, Girl! I would love to do some dips with your hips.:p
O'Neill
09-07-07, 10:54 PM
Here's some pick up lines.......
4- (this one i recommend ONLY to a girl that you KNOW)
*guy walks to girl*Guy says, Girl! I would love to do some dips with your hips.:p
Ooo, I wouldn't do that if I were you. She'd strip you of your manhood if you said that.:lol:
"why did the chicken cross the road?"
to reach the other side.. old one
imagine an intersection.
at the north-east side is santa claus
at the north-west side is a smart guy from belgium
at the south-east side is a dutchman
at the south-west side is a american
in the middle of the intersection lies €100
who will get the cash?
---answer below, don't look before taking a guess---
the dutchman will, why you ask, here's the reason:
both santa claus and smart guys from belgium are fake...
americans doesn't bother taking euro's, they have dollars...
Ghost MacRoth
24-08-07, 07:12 PM
Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and
went to heaven for judgment. At the gates, St. Peter
told Mr Honda, "Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God. I have a question for
Him". St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and
introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't you
the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well," said Mr
Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some
major flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too
much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are
outrageous,
and don't even get me started talking about the
maintenance costs.
Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God,
"Let's have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few things and waited for the results. After a moment
God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention
seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours.."
O'Neill
25-08-07, 04:53 PM
ROFL. Pretty funny, Ghost. :lol2:
Aahahhah. OMG thats hilarious:p
owww bles you guys still carry this on, yet it still lacks something.............
hmmmmm what could it possibly be..............
OH YEAH ME!!!! :p
OOh maan, he's back.YES YES I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!!!! OMG HOLD ME, i think i am gonna fall>!!!!!! wb Ace!!!!
owww bles you guys still carry this on, yet it still lacks something.............
hmmmmm what could it possibly be..............
OH YEAH ME!!!! :p
Ace ACe ace ace ace ace, when are you coming back!? We (or only me? :s) miss you:(
:lol2: ello guys ;)
hey futurebot, u still kicking ass on pistols?? lol
no spam? weird ^^ wb Ace :)
hehe, hello stranger, been a while :)
:lol2: ello guys ;)
hey futurebot, u still kicking ass on pistols?? lol
Aceeeeeeeee, no... not really after the holiday i can't hit anything anymore :(
here is a good one - What is the perpose of meaning?
here is a good one - What is the perpose of meaning?
To be hopefully worth something meaningful ? :)
Lol, dunno :) that's why i'm asking ;)
Ghost MacRoth
02-09-07, 07:39 PM
Ostin, that was not a joke. It wasn't even vaguely amusing. Did you notice the title of this thread at all??
Drepelitos
21-09-07, 09:17 PM
Good joke. The womam is smart lol:)
Two tramps walk past a church and start to read the gravestones.
The first tramp stops at one stone and says: "Bloody hell! This bloke was 182!"
"Oh yeah?" says the other tramp.
"What was his name?"
"Miles from London."
K let me try this, need to translate it comes fro ma dutch forum.
Before mariage...
she: Ciao!!
He: Ha, finally i waited so long.
she: Do you want me to leave?
He: No, i can't even think about it.
she: Do you love me?
He: Of course alot!
she: Did you ever cheated on me?
He: No, why you ask?
she: So you wanna kiss me?
He: everytime i get the change!
she: Are you ever gonna hit me?
He: Are you crazy, i'm not like that!
she: Can i trust you?
He: Yes.
she: Honey!
After the mariage... (just read from bottom to top)
Spec_Operator
08-10-07, 02:16 AM
hehe, nice one^^
whahahahah nice one wes lmao :D
:lol2:
nice one i knew it in polish version but it always makes me laugh
Ghost MacRoth
09-10-07, 02:49 PM
Good joke mate, well translated, works well!!
Bullseye
11-10-07, 03:05 PM
:joke:
If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!
Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
18. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
19. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
20. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
21. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
HE HE HE LOL
im guessing this will be moved to the comedy thread ;)
Ghost MacRoth
11-10-07, 06:59 PM
Yeah, with a name like Bullseye, you really shoulda got this post on target!! :D
Funny post and so true. Hard to learn the language, but not that hard. Try learning Finnish!
Or Dutch...
I guess we have the same problem: we need to communicate with the outside world and HAVE to learn a second language.
But good post.
Some sentences I need to re-read before I got to know the clue:p
And my English is quit good.
Ghost MacRoth
11-10-07, 07:24 PM
Not so good that you remember to put an 'e' at the end of 'Quite' though is it? :p
Sorry, had to say it MZ, have noticed you do it 'quit' a lot, lol!! ;)
Good old bro :p posting in the incorrect sections. I will take the pleasure of moving this one myself :D *embarrassed* lol
Good post though, interesting phrases there...
Bullseye
12-10-07, 01:14 PM
A hunter dials 911 and says, "I just shot at something that I thought was a deer but it was another hunter. I'm afraid I just killed him."
The operator says, "It's OK sir, it may not be as bad as you think. First, make sure he's really dead."
The guy says OK and sets down the phone. Then the operator hears a gunshot. He picks up the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
"Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."
SneaKy^
13-10-07, 08:12 AM
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to Make love your brains out, and suck your Boobs dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Nicoleise
14-10-07, 12:39 AM
I hope this is clean enough, because I find it really funny :
A young journalist was employed at a small paper in the praire. His first job was to write a human interest story. He went for a drive and saw a farmer in a field. He pulled over, and looked at the farmer for a while, deciding he'd be good for the article.
So he walks up to the farmer, tells him his business and asks him "Has anything fun happened to you, outhere ?", to which the farmer replied "Well. Once my neighboors daughter got lost, so we formed a searchparty, and when we found her, we all made love to her, and then we took her home.
Absolutely stunned, the journalist said "I can't print that !! Has anything ever happened out here, that made you happy?"
The farmer told the journalist, that once his neighboors sheep had gotten lost. So they formed a searchparty, found the sheep and made love to it, all of them, before taking it home.
On the verge of a breakdown, the journalist cried "No, no, no! I can't put that in my paper. Well. Has anything ever happened, that made you sad that ??"
The farmer hesitated, then replied : "Well... I got lost, once...."
:D
//Nicoleise
Asakura
14-10-07, 12:45 AM
Don't know if this is translated into english good enough:
The husband comes home from visiting the doctor. His wife asks:
W: "You're back. So what did the doctor say?"
H: "Thirty dollars."
W: "No, I mean what did you have?"
H: "Twenty dollars."
W: "No no, I mean what was missing?"
H: "Ten dollars."
malt3se
18-10-07, 10:22 AM
A fish enters the vet's appointment room. The vet says inmediatlet "AH I see it already! Out of the bowl.
Note: your elbow exists out of an bowl and some ball. the ball fits in the bowl. when the ball is out of the bowl you say: out of the bowl. Also fishes live in bowls... ;)
Sorry for my bad english:Poke:
:whs:
http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t303/ace81paul/lolcatrenderer2aspxqi3.jpg
malt3se
18-10-07, 01:57 PM
:whs: lollollol
Ghost MacRoth
18-10-07, 03:10 PM
Yes, it's more 'ball and socket' than 'ball and bowl' in English, but I guess we get the point!! :)
Phonecall
- Hello, are you there?
- Yes, who are you please?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you Jones?
- No I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott.
- What?
Ghost MacRoth
30-11-07, 06:48 PM
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and GirlFriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop And Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Lotus Elise hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw1.1, which can t be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and GirlFriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop And Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Lotus Elise hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw1.1, which can t be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please
LMAO :lol2: Pure clever comedy! Great posting! :D
sums it up to a t ghosty lol good post ;)
Bullseye
22-01-08, 10:22 AM
Come on need more comedy just wetting myself laughing reading this
go to: http://www.google.com/
enter: " find chuck norris " (without quotation mark)
and press: I'm feeling lucky....
Surprise!
Nicoleise
04-02-08, 10:28 PM
LMAO!! :D
I love the google people and all their easter eggs. :D I just feel a little sorry for those people who spend so much time finding them :D
Ghost MacRoth
09-02-08, 06:38 PM
School 1977 v School 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover fire-works, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
jeeeeez Ghost - these days are NOT normal
i've heard from some guys they are afraid of asking a girl for a cup of coffee to not be incriminate of sexual harassment - its paranoia
swatbuster
09-02-08, 10:06 PM
A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, Muppet* as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig. :lol::lol::lol:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday. :lmao:
Nicoleise
11-02-08, 06:41 PM
School 1977 v School 2007
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover fire-works, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
LMAO ! :D Serious consequences back in '77 explain why kids are slappy today :D
I wonder where the inspiration for that came from. :D
I dont know whether to laugh or cry at your post though, it's spot on :D
==
Do you remember how, when you were a child, you made funny faces at the mirror ?
- // Noticed how it's taking it's revenge ?
==
Inside sources at IKEAs headquarters has leaked that IKEA will soon be entering the market of automotives. This claim was confirmed by this instruction leaflet on assembly :
http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff257/SOG_Nicoleise/Funnies/IKEA_Car.gif
http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff257/SOG_Nicoleise/Funnies/IKEA_Car2.gif
==
How does IKEA stores get build ???
http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/gri0210l.jpg
==
One more as well, but that has to go in the dungeon, sorry :D
ho to make a computer scientist?
1. Connect
2. Upload
3. Disconnect
4. Unrar (ETA: 9 months)
Tech Support:"What's the problem?"
Customer:"There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Tech Support:"You'll need a new power supply."
Customer:"No I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
Tech Support:"Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
Customer:"No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."
10 minutes later, the Customer is still adamant that they are right. The Tech Support is frustrated and fed up.
Tech Support:"Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
Customer:"I knew it!"
Tech Support:"Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."
10 minutes later.
Customer:"It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Tech Support:"Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
Customer:"MS-DOS 6.22"
Tech Support:"That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."
1 hour later.
Customer:"I need a new power supply."
Tech Support:"How did you come to that conclusion?"
Customer:"Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Tech Support:"Then what did he say?"
Customer:"He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE. "
LMAO, that was a good one.http://s150.photobucket.com/albums/s103/yourspacecooment/smiley/grin/grin20.gif
:lol2::yelrotflmao: Wow, I know how that agent feels, sometimes you just have to go along with the customer and find a way around their conclusion.
Oh Wait, here's an :idea:, if you contact Tech Support, and they say "This is what you need to do" listen to them as most know what they are talking about. lol
thats not new but always funny :p
Aircraft Maintenance Write-Ups and Corrective Action Taken
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and
the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
NOTE:
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for
the corrective action taken by the mechanics .
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Tread merged,stickied and changed the name
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
The last three are the best :lol: .... Hope the cat isn't afraid of heights :p
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
That made me laugh XD
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
these are the ones i liked best!
Ghost MacRoth
28-03-08, 12:22 PM
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently (For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!").
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't -removed- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
I'm sure you all probably heard 1 of these before but this is for those who hasn't.
Q: How can you tell if there's a terrorist at an airport?
A: If their camel is parked in the parking lot.
Theres an American, Mexican, Asian, and Italian on a skyscraper in New York. The Italian throws off a pizza and says "There's to much pizza is my country." The Asian throws off a tray of tofu and says "There's to much tofu in my country." The Mexican throws off a taco saying "There's to many tacos in my country." The American looks around and picks up the Mexican and throws him off the building and says "There's to many Beaners in my country."
Note: The 2nd is the clean version. So it doesn't goes as smooth as it should.
Nicoleise
14-04-08, 08:40 PM
LOL at the Chuck Norris jokes! :D
They bring back so many memories :D
Between girlfriends ;
- My husband and I's sexlife got boring lately.
- Well, try to spice it up. You can play doctor. I've done that for ages with my husband. 60 minutes at the time.
- What ? How can you make it last one hour??
- Simple. I let him stay in the waiting room for 55 minutes.
:D
The priest was showing a school class about on the church yard, and one of the kids noticed a tomb stone reading "Daddy got piece". The kid thought about it for a little while, and then hesitantly said "But... Then we don't know if it was monny or daddy being burried`?"
===
Two norwegians (No offence, but that's how the joke is) meet up outside in a snowstorm:
- I'm looking for my wife, says one of the
- Me too, says the other
- How does your wife look?
- Well, she's got blonde hair, a slim body and big breats. What about yours?
- To hell with her, let's look for your wife.
:D
lol ^^^^ cant believe I didnt see these last few posts earlier
Ghost MacRoth
30-05-08, 08:43 PM
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Nicoleise
30-05-08, 11:59 PM
LOL, thanks for bringing this back Ghost...
An addition to your Chuck Norris post :
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, because that involves a risk of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. :D
Not a joke, but i think it fits anyhow, if not. feel free to move it around...
What would you do?
It's a stormy night and you are driving around town in your new car.
You drive along a bosstop and you see 3 people waiting:
An old woman that needs to go to the hospital or she'll die.
Your best friend, who once saved your life.
The ideal (wo)man who you always dreamt of.
BUT: You have a Mercedes SL 55 AMH, capable of carrying only 2 people. you can only take 1 person, the other 2 must take the bus. Who do you take with you? THINK HARD!
WARNING: THE BEST ANSWER IS SHOWED BELOW! think first!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You sure you wanna know?
ok, here's the answer:
You give the keys to your friend, let him drive the old woman to the hostpital, while you wait for the bus with the (wo)man of your dreams.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Nicoleise
17-07-08, 04:57 PM
Not relevant, I would never in my life want to own a Mercedes, even if someone gave it to me :D
This is a good practical joke :
Call someone up, who you know is on a regular phone, not a cell. Once they answer ask them if they know the sound trucks make, when they reverse. Once they answered simply hang up the phone, and their reciever will go "beep beep beep beep" :D
Not a joke, but i think it fits anyhow, if not. feel free to move it around...
What would you do?
It's a stormy night and you are driving around town in your new car.
You drive along a bosstop and you see 3 people waiting:
An old woman that needs to go to the hospital or she'll die.
Your best friend, who once saved your life.
The ideal (wo)man who you always dreamt of.
BUT: You have a Mercedes SL 55 AMH, capable of carrying only 2 people. you can only take 1 person, the other 2 must take the bus. Who do you take with you? THINK HARD!
WARNING: THE BEST ANSWER IS SHOWED BELOW! think first!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You sure you wanna know?
ok, here's the answer:
You give the keys to your friend, let him drive the old woman to the hostpital, while you wait for the bus with the (wo)man of your dreams.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Easy i let my friend drive the old woman to the hospital and i stay with my dreamwoman ;)
I watched the movie 16 blocks :p
I got one :) but I'll have to translate from German...
There were three friends...the 1st was an alcoholic, the 2nd smoker and the last one was a homosexual. As they were walking down the street...there was a bright flash of light and they were brought before God.
He explained to them that they'll have to change their way of living and to stop with their bad habits...otherwise he would punish them with death....
Yet againg there was a bright flash of light and they found themselves back on earth....
The alcoholic decided to not head the warning given to them by God and went to the next shop, bought himself a bottle of Scotch. As soon as the first drop touched his tongue he fell dead to the ground.
The smoker and homosexual saw that and were shocked...it wasn't just a bad dream...it was real...so they walked and talked how to deal with this hopeless situation...when a businessman crossed their way and while doing that he threw his "cuban cigar" on the ground.
The smoker looked at it with a strong desire to taste it...but the homosexual said: "If you bend down now, then we both are going to die..."
Hope the gag didn't get lost in the translation process....
it didn't, quite funny, though i don't like "gayjokes"... a good friend of mine is one (NO, i'm not.)
i knew it already :)
@Tyrope .... stay away of mine purple keybinds :p
Pppiiiinnnkkkk! :p
*wait, 1 word posts aren't allowed...*
Nicoleise
18-07-08, 05:27 PM
Fenix - the point survived ;D Good one... I actually know it from danish as well, so it got around quite alot. :p
How do you know if you are a man or a woman? -see below-
....
....
....
....
not here, you idiot! look down!
There were two guys sitting in a coffeehouse talking about everything and anything...suddenly the 1st told the 2nd that he did something really crazy...he had the name of his girlfriend, "Sabrina", tattooed on his genital...
The other one just grined and told him, that the text on his genital says:
"Welcome to Jamaica and I hope you had a nice journey."
I got one :) but I'll have to translate from German...
There were three friends...the 1st was an alcoholic, the 2nd smoker and the last one was a homosexual. As they were walking down the street...there was a bright flash of light and they were brought before God.
He explained to them that they'll have to change their way of living and to stop with their bad habits...otherwise he would punish them with death....
Yet againg there was a bright flash of light and they found themselves back on earth....
The alcoholic decided to not head the warning given to them by God and went to the next shop, bought himself a bottle of Scotch. As soon as the first drop touched his tongue he fell dead to the ground.
The smoker and homosexual saw that and were shocked...it wasn't just a bad dream...it was real...so they walked and talked how to deal with this hopeless situation...when a businessman crossed their way and while doing that he threw his "cuban cigar" on the ground.
The smoker looked at it with a strong desire to taste it...but the homosexual said: "If you bend down now, then we both are going to die..."
Hope the gag didn't get lost in the translation process....
ahha thats a good one :), i have gay mates too tyrope but they know i dont take this kind of thing seriously :)
Nicoleise
20-07-08, 06:06 PM
So did you guys hear... They invented this new contest, like MissWorld?
Only, instead of finding the prettiest woman, they want to find the smartest. The winner will be called MissInformed. :)
rofl, misinformed ^_^ that's a good one! :)
O'Neill
20-07-08, 10:08 PM
So did you guys hear... They invented this new contest, like MissWorld?
Only, instead of finding the prettiest woman, they want to find the smartest. The winner will be called MissInformed. :)
lol She doesn't sound so smart. :p
>Reasons to date a paintballer<
1.we like getting down and dirty
2.we always wear protection
3.we have atleast 12" barrels
4.we have really fast fingers
5.we can spray a ton and not get tired
6.we love to be aggressive
7.we aren;t afraid to dive head first into tight places =D
O'Neill
27-07-08, 11:19 PM
Um, Viper. Don't you think it's a bit borderline on dungeon? :lol:
Um, Viper. Don't you think it's a bit borderline on dungeon? :lol:
urm not really its clean lol, just ure mind that thinks its dirty :lol:
maybe a mod should look n decide :)
>Reasons to date a paintballer<
1.we like getting down and dirty
2.we always wear protection
3.we have atleast 12" barrels
4.we have really fast fingers
5.we can spray a ton and not get tired
6.we love to be aggressive
7.we aren;t afraid to dive head first into tight places =D
That one's great :D
Here goes mine...
A small american plane got lost in dense fog. The pilot circled around the top floor of an office building while he leaning out his window and asking: Where are we?" A man looking at his monitor looked at him and said: "In a plane!"
The pilot flew a sharp curve and landed after 5 mins, with the last drop of gas, in the airport of Seattle. The amazed passengers wanted to know, how the pilot made it, how he took his bearing. "Well, pretty easy", said the pilot, "The answer to my question was short, correct and completly useless. I must have talked to the microsoft-helpline. The microsoft-building is just 5 miles to the west of the Seatle airport, bearing 87 degrees."
Oh dear...my translation is a joke too :P
ROFL! Fenix, that was perfectly translated (at least, it seems that way). and hilarious joke!
:lol: at that one love it mate keep em comin :)
If drinking, smoking and homosexuality are sinning, I think everyone on this earth is going to hell.
Nicoleise
28-07-08, 06:16 PM
That one's great :D
Here goes mine...
A small american plane got lost in dense fog. The pilot circled around the top floor of an office building while he leaning out his window and asking: Where are we?" A man looking at his monitor looked at him and said: "In a plane!"
The pilot flew a sharp curve and landed after 5 mins, with the last drop of gas, in the airport of Seattle. The amazed passengers wanted to know, how the pilot made it, how he took his bearing. "Well, pretty easy", said the pilot, "The answer to my question was short, correct and completly useless. I must have talked to the microsoft-helpline. The microsoft-building is just 5 miles to the west of the Seatle airport, bearing 87 degrees."
Oh dear...my translation is a joke too :P
That's brilliant! :D
Here's a dating advice (it's translated from danish, got it in a text/SMS the other day) :
When you're out "browsing" you should always look for girls with tattoos. A tattoo on a girl tells you clearly : "Here's a girl that doesn't mind making fast decisions she'll regret in the future".
Not bad...not bad at all, Nico hehe :) I've got to keep that in mind :P
This one I just heared today...while we were eating in the canteen.
An american soldier, which was stationed in Afghanistan, received a letter from his girlfriend back home.
It said:
"Dear John, I can't do this anymore, I just can't continue like this.
The distance, which is standing between me and you, is just to long.
I also have to admit, that I cheated four times on you since you were gone,
and this whole thing isn't good for any of us. I'm sorry.
Please send me back my photo, which I had given to you.
Greetings Wendy."
The soldier - obviously hurt - went to his comerades and gathered all the photos they could spare.
Like from their girl friends, sisters, girl cousins, ex-girl friends, aunts...
All in all he took them and the photo of Wendy and put them in a envelope.
Together it were 57 photos and with them he wrote:
"Dear Wend, I'm sorry, but I unfortunately don't remember who you are.
Please pick out your photo and send the others back."
Nicoleise
28-07-08, 09:14 PM
Aw, that's just mean :p
This is a really ODD danish joke : (I'm sure those who thought of it were high at the time :p )
Warning - contains (non-offensive, I hope) homosexual referrences. If you're easily offended by such, now would be the time to zip scroll past the post at the speed of light :D
A truck driver was driving along a dark road, when all the sudden his headlights caugt a small dwarf all dressed in red. Surpriced, the truckdriver stopped his truck, leaned out the window and asked "Hey, why are you standing here?" to which the dwarf replied "I'm a small dwarf dressed in red. I'm homosexual and I'm very thirsty, I'd like to have a glass of water". The truckdriver decided to take off, leaving the dwarf with his needs.
Soon enough, his headlights caught another dwarf - this time dressed in green. Puzzled, the truck driver stopped again, and the dwarf said "I'm a small dward dressed in green. I'm homosexual and very thirsty, I'd like to have a glass of water". The truckdriver was beginning to be annoyed at this, and took off. A mile down the road his lights caugth up with another small individual dressed in black. The truckdriver - having had it with dwarfs for the day - rolled down his window and yelled "And you, you -removed-* dwarf... What would YOU like to have?" following which the officer turned around and harshly said "We'll START with your license and registration!"
It's actually not a joke but a story that I was lucky enough to witness.
I was on a LAN-Party in my uncle's cybercafé...
There were seven of us including myself...and we discussed how we wanna play and balance the teams...as we were arguing who's with whom...a guy came and told us that he'd like to be the 8th man...finally when everything was settled...and while my team was discussing the tactic we should use against them...that guy from the opponent team asked:
"Hey guys, I only played Terran before...but I'm thinking about taking the race "random", btw how are they..."
that aren't the exact words but it was something like that...suddenly the whole cybercafé was laughing...and laughing...and the worst thing was he didn't know why... :)
Ah those rare moments just lmao :D
omg, that guy is stoopid :) would be funny if "random" was indeed a race ^_^
n now i feel stupid for not understanding it either Fenix :lol:
Mr Blobby
31-07-08, 12:29 AM
What's Terran? i mean, that made no sense to me but it's probably because I'm not 1337 enough or something.
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